- A
gallon of primer (your choice of colors)
- A
gallon of oil-based (not latex!) paint (your choice of colors)
- Balloons
- Cake
- Party
hats
- Blowtorch
- Beer
The
end is almost near! Perhaps early congratulations are in order! You’re almost
there, my friend. Simply gather together the items listed above and prepare to
dazzle your neighbors with your newly restored and painted masterpiece of a
back door. All that’s left to do is prime it and paint it. It’s easy, and it’s
all downhill from here.
First
off, a word of advice. Many so-called professional
painters use a tray of some kind to pour the paint in, and drop-cloths to
protect the ground around the painting area from accidental splashes and drops
of paint. Seriously? For a job that’s going to take 30 minutes, max? If you
have the time and the patience, go right ahead and follow their lead. They are
the “professionals” after all. However, for those of us who have better things
to do than watch paint dry, let’s just cut to the chaise lounge and get this job done
for once and for all. Are you with me?
Before you get started, grab a beer or two and relax for awhile on
the backyard swing. Between beers, pretend you’re a rock star and play “Stairway
to Heaven” over and over again on your out-of-tune electric guitar. Make sure the volume
control on your amplifier goes all the way to 11.
When you're ready, invite all of the children on your street to a backyard
party at your house. Promise them “horsey rides” or “bouncy houses” or some
such nonsense to inspire them to come. If you don’t have the time or energy to
hire a horse, give them rides on your riding lawn mower. For a bouncy house,
unravel your garden hoses and strew them around the floor of your cluttered shed.
They can try bouncing on those if they feel inspired.
After
that, put on your party hat and use a
manual crank-style can opener to open the can of primer. If the children throw
a tantrum and demand cake, simply tell them that they’ll get
their gol-dern cake after the door has been painted and not a moment before.
Try saying “gol-dern” in a funny accent to entertain them.
It’s
time to mix the primer. Drop a handful of loose change into the gallon can, making
sure the coins go down deep. Then say something like, “Oh my goodness! I’ve
dropped my money in the milk! Who can get it out for me?” Expect
many excited volunteers to come running to help. Give each volunteer a chance
to reach deep down into the primer, faces scrunched in extreme concentration
and tongues sticking out thoughtfully, as they grasp around for your loose
change. Soon, all of the coins will be found and your primer will be completely
mixed. It’s a win-win situation! (Don’t forget to demand your change back.)
Fill
balloons with primer and have a balloon throwing contest with the kids. It’s
fun, challenging, and the door gets primed in no time at all. The quality of
the work is far superior, believe me, than if you had put paint to brush and
painted the door methodically, back and forth, forth and back, in mind-numbing
mediocrity. Yes, of course, there will be “spillage” of paint here and there,
but hey, it’s a party, remember? Just have fun and worry about the little
details another day.
Immediately,
do the same with the oil-based paint. It is not necessary to wait for the primer to dry before covering the door with paint. Although oil-based paint takes far longer
to dry than traditional latex paint, the results are usually superior to latex
in every way. Have the children smash the balloons against the door as hard as they can. If they are unable to reach the higher portions of the door, it may be necessary for you to throw a few balloons of your own, but be careful, as the results can be messy. This is a chore best left to children.
After this has been accomplished, give each of the children a little piece of cake and usher them from your backyard as quickly as possible. Their purpose here is done. Note that it is not necessary to clean them up first, as children are typically messy little creatures, and it's highly unlikely their neglectful parents will note the paint covering their arms, legs and elsewhere.
Then grab a beer, settle down on the backyard swing, and practice your extreme belching skills.
Now for the fun part. It's time to dry the oil-based paint, and for that we use, you guessed it, the blow torch. Simply light the torch (no protective gear is necessary), and blaze away at the door, taking care to dry the paint but not set the door on fire. This is tricky business, so take your time and don't rush it.
Oh, my. Did you set the door on fire? I told you to be careful. Quickly grab one of the hoses from off of the shed floor, hurry to one of the outside spigots on your home and spray the door with as much water as it takes to stop the flames. If the blaze still won't go out completely, try smothering it with your body. Just hug the door as you would your former girlfriend or boyfriend. As usual, the flames should quickly go out once you touch.
If the door seems to be a total loss, don't be concerned. It is likely to be evening at this point, so clean up if you need to, put on your jammies, take some
Ambien, grab a beer and watch TV for awhile. Before nodding off to sleep, get on your knees by the bed and say a prayer that your door will be repaired and beautiful come morning. Pray hard! This door needs to look great!
The next morning, you should wake up refreshed, alert and happy to face the world. Spring out of bed! It's a grand, brand new day. Like a child on Christmas morning, check the status of your door. To enhance the surprise, go through your front door, through your backyard gate, and approach the back door area with your eyes closed. Be careful not to stumble over the dog on your way. Or are they large rats? It's hard to tell in your neighborhood what's running around wild. Either way, approach cautiously, and when you're facing your back door, open your eyes!
Yes! The door looks brand new! And look at that screen! It looks just like it did when you first moved into the house. Your hard work has definitely paid off. Congratulations!
Go reward yourself with a beer on the backyard swing. Close your eyes, put a big smile on your face, and listen to the sounds of the morning. Birds singing. Bees buzzing. The sound of a lawnmower somewhere off in the distance. The screams of your crazy neighbor discovering that someone has replaced his back door with a shower curtain.
Perhaps you should complain soon to someone from your Home Owner's Association about the untidy nature of your neighbor's house. But not right now. It's a beautiful day. Enjoy it!
