- A gallon of fast-acting super glue
- Six tubes of white toothpaste
- Six rolls of Scotch Tape
- Six boxes of tampons
- A roll of chicken wire
- One air horn
- Beer
These are the essential ingredients necessary to achieve a successful door restoration. A long list to be sure, but if you want the door to be properly prepped prior to painting, don’t settle for anything less.
First off, don’t attempt to purchase all of these materials at one location. While on the face of it, it may seem more convenient and expedient to purchase all of these online or at your local Costco or Sam’s Club, it is actually more advantageous to spend your entire day making multiple trips to multiple stores, going home for a short rest between each visit.
If you have to ask why, perhaps you should admit that you are not a true craftsperson after all, and should not be attempting this project. In that case, please go ahead and hire a local repairperson from the 1993 copy of the yellow pages book buried in the debris field under your couch, which is now that much yellower since your long-dead incontinent cat used the book for his own delightful purposes.
I speak from experience.
Once you have accumulated everything, the process of door restoration can begin. The first rule of restoration is, as in life, begin at the bottom and work your way up. Since the corners at each end are curling up, let’s repair those first. Measure the bottom of the door using nothing but your own good judgment, and carefully tape one tampon per every two inches of door width. This will help cover the curls at the bottom and make them barely noticeable. Then proceed to make another row above that one, and then another, making row upon row until you have reached the top of the door.
After that has been accomplished, grab a beer or two and relax for awhile on the backyard swing, singing loudly and off key to annoy your neighbors. Offensive, sexually suggestive rap songs are usually your best bet for this purpose.
When you are ready to continue, take all six tubes of toothpaste at once, squeeze, and fill in any gaps or rough spots that may exist on the door and around the frame. (Expert hint: to properly apply large amounts of toothpaste each and every time with a minimum of fuss, force it deep into the wood using your wife’s toothbrush. If she is using it, her favorite hairbrush will also work in a pinch. Just don’t forget to be courteous and return these items back to her as soon as you’re done.)
After that has been accomplished, grab a beer or two and relax for awhile on the backyard swing, and practice primal screaming for one hour straight, without stopping, in order to release your inner demons. Once they have been released, pat them on the head and send them on their way to visit your nasty neighbor.
Now for the hard part. With the roll of chicken wire in one hand and the gallon jug of super glue in the other, begin to attach the chicken wire across the entire face of the outside door. Once accomplished, this will provide the door with the benefits of both rigid stability and immeasurable and unique beauty.
Like the tampon application, begin at the bottom and carefully attach the chicken wire to the door using the fast-acting super glue. Pour it on! This is not the time to be conservative. The success of your restoration depends upon using judicious amounts. (Expert tip: this would be a good time to have a helper, who could hold the chicken wire to the door while you apply the fast-acting super glue. The promise of a trip to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal should be sufficient to encourage the assistance of one of your children, depending upon their age. Older children, in their early 20s, may not be inspired by such tempting offers, and so you may be left to fend for yourself.)
Once the chicken wire has been properly attached to the door, give yourself (or your helper) a few days to recover the use of your (their) fingers, as there is no possible way to avoid getting super glue on your hands short of using gloves, and those were not in the list I provided to you earlier. (Right? Right.) If you have sufficient mobility left with one or more of your digits, there are many sites on the Internet offering solutions on how to get super glue off of your skin. I encourage you to make use of them. If, however, you do not have enough use of your fingers, poking the keys of your keyboard using your nose is also an effective solution, although you run the risk of looking like one of these: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drinking_bird, especially if you happen to be wearing a large blue top hat.
After that has been accomplished, grab a beer or two and relax for awhile on the backyard swing, and toss small stones backwards, making sure they hit the fence separating you from your annoying neighbor.
Once your neighbor has awakened from his usual stuporous state and is roused to self-righteous anger by what you are doing, he will attempt to peer over the fence separating your property from his so he can provide you with his best, most nasty glare and scowl. He may even try to toss some stones back at you in retribution. Don’t provide him the opportunity. When you hear his back door slam, walk quietly and leisurely to the fence. Bide your time and wait patiently, so at the very moment the top of your neighbor’s head begins to appear, your air horn can be blasted with maximum surprise and effectiveness.
After that has been accomplished, and the ambulance sirens have faded away, grab a beer or two and relax for awhile on the backyard swing.
